dumbasses

missed the entry for the month of september! damn. not that i think anybody's keepin up with this any longer.
was juz browsin through the internet, doin some research.. haha! u must be wonderin what the hell am i researchin for. well. nowadays i juz kinda like to spend my time doin those kinda things. its useful, really! it increases whatever knowledge u already have. so what if it makes me a nerd. haha!
so i'd been browsin.. and browsin.. and browsin. till i saw a page. kinda like a blog, only there's not even an entry. a woman's blog. or rather, women's blog. there were only pictures. pictures of them kissin.. huggin.. and the picture which has the greatest impact on me: the tattoo at her back, between the shoulder blades. when i saw THAT, my chest kinda constricted, my throat felt a little bit too tight, and i juz stopped breathin altogether. why is the million dollar question.
i'll be damned if u could answer that.
i mean, its not like i care anymore.
its not like i'm still not over it.
its not like i'm still in love.
its not like i even wanna see it!
but hell. i cant take my eyes off it.
hmm. love makes a person do all sorts of crazy things, huh?
i mean, not that tattoin is crazy in general. but for me it is.
i wonder if they're forever. i am feelin guilty and i have no idea why!
maybe coz i know that once upon a time, i'd been like that too.
anyway. sorry dylaila and dydydydyndo!!! our hari raya plans had been crushed! but nevermind, next time okies?

irritatin!

oh goddammit! i forgot to write in for the month of july!!! sorry guys. was busy laaa.. hehe.
anyways, i'm not at the library.. some indian 'concert' playin juz outside.. and its kinda gettin on my nerves, really! sheesh! irritatin laaa..
hey hey hey!!! next week da puase! yay!!! cant wait for it! hmm. so whats new eh...?
i got the coffee bean job, but i rejected it after a little thought. they're payin only $4/hr! hai.. i'm so used to gettin $6, u see.. thats why. kinda felt bad coz i'd already confirmed it with the store manager, but in the end i juz didnt turn up for the orientation.. but nevermind.
today. juz got my pay, yessss!!! would be goin t0 mustafa centre with my darlin little furball. eheheheh.. cant wait! i seriously need to get a new bag. hmmm..
well.. i'll juz wait for him to call on me =]
byeeeeeeee!

no more punches!!! =[

alaaa.. betapa sedihnya beta. hari ini hari terakhir yang saya dapat bertemu dengannya. eeeesh! stop it seh, haha! nak jiwang jiwang, tapi tak boleh make it. macam faham eh...? lol.
but yeah, really! i am sad bout it laaa..
not as in sad as in Sad. its juz that i'm gonna miss him real bad. i'm gonna miss whatever nonsense he's brought in to my life. let me juz illustrate a few to u.
like: smackin my jendol.. sniffin me here and there.. punchin me on my arm.. playin wrestlin.. and so on. many many more stuff! hhaahahahaha. u guys must be thinkin that i must be crazy to miss all those things, but yeah. what to do kan..
i dont know if i can even meet him today itself. he's been busy for a kenduri at his aunt's.

and u know what!!! i hate hairdressers! i told her to juz trim my hair! trimmin is juz to cut bout a cm off the hair! but but but!!! she'd snipped inches off my head! what the hell kan! i was kinda pissed, but still managed a smile as i thanked her. bloody hell. now i'm lookin kinda funny funny! hai.. miss my hair seh. so sad! sob sob.. i am never goin back there to have a haircut! ever!

cant wait to find a new job. applied at coffee bean.. but they havent called for an interview. felt like goin back to pan pac sometimes. rindu bala! hahahahahahahahah..
hmm. ok laaa, gues thats bout it then =]
boiiii!

back to bein specky... =]]]

this week.. i'll only be workin on fri, sat, and sun. damn. i wonder why is it when elaine's not there, ,there will not be much functions at pan pac, thus not many workin days. hai.. faster come back elaine!!!
obviously i'm bored today, which is the reason for this entry. duh. wanna go somewhere, but not too sure where to. argh!
and by the way. i am attached! to the one and only alwi! yeye! thanks to bala and the gang [or so thats what weeeee said] finally decided to drop it on hairul.. hai. felt bad, though. the night itself, after work he'd went to DXO and gotten drunk. next day at work, he's got a bad hangover, and still workin his 12hour shift. crazy guy! of course, we're still talkin, and in contact.
hmmm. anyways. i've gotten my specs!!! woohoo!!! haha! the moment i reported for the roll call at 5pm, wei liang looked at me, snickered and said, 'dont step decent la u'
hahahahaha! apeje tau! and bala was like 'are u tryin to look smart?'
i mean, hello! what the hell is that supposed to mean?! ish ish.. tak baik seh bala! hmph.. takpe takpe!

for tmr.. i'll be goin to 'paris!' finally. hehehehehehe =]]]
cant wait!
hmm. ok la ok la. wanna get somethin to eat ni! hungry!
boiiiiii.....!

yoohooladeedoo!!!

yay! guess what! i've finally climbed up a rooftop! a playground's rooftop, that is. with one very hyper 'monkey'! hehehehehe =]]]
i am one happy girl! and yup. i've not forgotten that i'm supposed to update this every month. sorry for those who'd been waitin for so long, aite.....?
yesterday. went over to weeeee's place.. juz hang around, and helped his mum make kuih dada.. hahahahahahaha! it was fun! and was teased by his sisters badly dudes! but its ok though.. haha!
went there after his appointment at ttsh. and today. guess what?
i'll be accompanyin hairul to the hospital. this time, at cgh. hhaha! i guess i make a good companion, huh? [YEAH RIGHT] macam faham eh.....? lol.
i've so many things to tell! argh! tapi waktu tidak membenarkan saya buat demikian.. maklumlah, saya ini seorang yang amat sibuk. hahahahahhahahahaha! crap!
anyways, i really do have to get goin now..
and to dylaila!!!
I MISS U LAAAAAAAA... cemane ni...? later i got fever coz of that tau!!!
so sad.. sob sob.. =[
and do take care, okies.....? love u!!!

get on with it!

last i blogged was on the 18th of march. today's the 12th of april.. i guess i shall make it an appoint to update once a month yeah....? hehe.. sorry to disappoint those of u who'd been waitin for a 'follow-up' for so long!!!

anyways. this whole week's been damn borin! no work, no plans, no money.. hai. i mean seriously dude! thats the reason why i'm always hangin out with my friends at their place! hahas.. but hey, its not that bad though. its like i'm almost part of their family already. they even asked me to stay over some time. and asked me when i'll be comin next.
yesterday was damn fun!!! went out with ex colleagues kak siti and letchumy.. with a total of 5kids agein: 4,7,8,9, and 12. cool, huh? hahahahahaha! headache man!!! but i fell in love them immediately! they're so charmin and so cute and adorable!!! hai.. our hands were really full! and i told kak siti, next time we go out, bring them all along! hehehehehe =]]]

today. i'm gonna chill with shamu while she closes the restaurant. at bk midpoint. know what? in fact, i feel like i'm kinda busy person.. meetin friends here and there.. hahahahaha! tmr, i'll be accompanyin someone to 'reportin'.. i'm still thinkin if i should or not. its like a 50-50, u know....? damn. but i guess i'll jujz go along as planned. alwi told me to be careful. hahaha.. nonsense la him. asked a ridiculous question like: what if that guy kidnapped u and demanded a ransom from my mum...? i mean! sheesh! chill, weeeee!!! takkan la dia nak buat gitu kan....? apesaje laaa..

okies guys. thats bout it for today.
ciao.

yeye

hey dylaila's back!!! hehehe.. finally i'll be workin with my 'sister' again this sat =]]]
and and and guess what!!! she bought me a perfume!!! yay!!! anyways, i'm now at their place, karaoke-ing.. fun!!! maklumlah, sudah lama tak karaoke.. hehe.. but shy!!!
ok laaa.. sikit sikit aje la update okies?
oh and!!! i'll be meetin monyet later!!!!!!! yay!!!!! hehehehehehe...
i'm a really happy girl today =]]]

I love u Mother

yesssssssssssssssssssssss! i am one happy girl today! really. i juz talked to mum over the phone. nothin could describe the elatedness which i'm feelin right now. hahaahaha! after so long. now everythin will turn out right again =]
i was alone in the room, and was jumpin around as i called my friends, tellin them the great news. heheheeh!!! and they were all so happy for me! yay! thank god. Alhamdulillah. now my cheeks are achin! from smilin too much! arghhh! haha. i cant wait, period!
i'll miss shy shy though. she's like always with me dude! always smellin my feet, and then rollin around on my feet. haha! if only i could take her with me. hai. missin her already. and i'm not even gone yet! =[

okies. i wanna go bathe now. will be headin to dydydyla's.
gotta go. ciao.

suddenly i remembered what a certain monkey told me: without mum, there'd be no u & me.
[thank u]

the ring

i was rummagin through my stuff few days back. and i found this ring. 925 silver ring.
the memories of what used to be came rushin back, like a river burstin free. he used to treasure this ring so much. of course, coz it'd once belonged to his late father. and he'd entrusted me with this ring, believin that i'll forever be his. but then again, nothin in this world could really make someone urs. know what i mean...? i still remembered him askin me to take care of this ring. i shall start doin juz that. which other way could i take care of it the best, other than to put it on my finger, right? juz like it has always been there. the only difference is. only this ring is with me now, when ur not. anyways. be happy okies? i truly understand how u felt. at the same time, i know nothin could be worse than this.

kini kau berubah, kau tak seperti dulu
mengapa sayang, mengapa
engkau jadi begini
kini aku menyesal menyintai mu
kerna cintaku dipermainkan secukup cukupnya

mengapa engkau permainkan
cinta yang sudah kita bina
kini kau da tak sayang lagi, berterus terang padaku
janganlah engkau menyeksa ku
tak sanggup lagi ku menanggung
dugaan cinta yang kau beri terhadap diriku

lemas [drownin]

finally i'm not oblivious to the world. *yawn* dozed off at 10plus juz now.
woke up bout an hour ago. again, juz finished eatin maggi. gonna get some real food later in the evenin. was supposed to go to dydydyla's today, but i feel kinda lazy to get out of the room. lets juz go tmr okies? i mean, if thats ok with u guys, of course.
woke up to the sound of the ringin house telephone. damn. irritatin! what a way to wake me up, huh? and the most irritatin part is, juz when i got out of bed to answer the call, its stopped ringin. idiot. yeah! so now u know how i felt! if not i could have finished my beautiful dream! hai.....

hey. i think this is my 4th entry for today, by the way. that shows juz how bored i am, yeah? now i'm juz waitin for sabri to msg me, tellin me bout his day at work. so damn long dude! he should've finished by now. hehe.. i kinda sound like a mother! [sometimes, where he is concerned, i do feel like one. sheesh! weird!] or maybe a gf? lol. but yeah. sabri will always be sabri. i see him as a younger brother and a friend =]

'missin someone isnt bout how long its been since u've last seen them or the amount of time since u last talked. its bout that very moment when ur doin somethin and u wish that they were right there with u'

okies. ciao. see u when i see u, aite? byeeeeeeeee

shubh prabhat!!! [thats gd mornin in hindi, people]

gd mornin singapore! and also to the rest of the world, of course.. hehe. its 0649am now.
i'm so excited for my friends! they're gonna start work today, yay!!! isnt that cool, or what? i mean, its like so great! i'm so damn happy for them! all the best for ur first day yeah...? ur future nurses! [i should have been there too. hai.]
to sabri, have fun at work okies? dont be emo or anythin kk? must always be optimistic, always look on the brighter side of things. i mean, there are always 2 sides to it, right? as a nurse, u must set a good example to ur patients. okk? i better stop here, or else.. ur gonna kill me coz i sounded like an old granny givin lectures. haha!

anyway. i juz finished eatin maggi. so full! juz burped seconds ago, so loud i thought it'd wake mama up. lol [though u guys dont need to know that]. and no no no. thats not my breakfast. my breakfast would probably be at 3pm. or later. or maybe earlier. sometimes juz 2-3 hours of sleep's enough. let's see what time i'll wake up today. wanna bet? haha! crazy, huh? yeah. thats my life. on top of that, i'm havin diarrhoea!!! sucks!!!
have been goin in and out the toilet 4 times since few hours ago. damn! tirin, u know...? and the feaces looked funny funny! it doesnt look like the normal watery stool for diarrhoea. maybe i'm sick. oh no!!! naaaa. its probably nothin. chill, chill.. no worries =]

okies, shubh ratri!!! [thats gd night, in hindi]

men will always be men. no pun intended.

are people's dignity gettin cheaper and cheaper nowadays? it sure as hell seems like it! all of a sudden there is a message in my tagged inbox, from a man who wanted sex. a great f***. his words, exactly. its really gettin on my nerves, u nkow? irritate the shit out of me, dude! i mean seriously, if ur that desperate to get laid, go to that place where they're havin business! ur happy, they are happy. thats it. or better yet. do it urself!
they think that ladies' job's to satisfy their needs? think again dude!!! coz one thing for sure is, i'm sure as hell not like the gals u might have laid.
where is the respect in this world? is there none left? my goodness!
of all things to make me pissed today, this has gotta be it? bloody hell!

thats it. i'm lightin a cigarette now. to chill.
haha! gotcha. i dont smoke. well, now i'm startin my crap.
okies, till the next time!
gd night.

weeeee! thats what i call him =]

suddenly there was a msg from [him] at msn. askin me why must u be so bad to me? how do i reply to such a question, u tell me? i have no freakin idea why. asked [him] why is he suddenly thinkin of her? told me that he was juz thinkin to himself. told me that i'm such a beautiful and nice person. his words, exactly. and hey.. those who really know me, will know that i'm bad at reactin to compliments. said that u dont even deserve me as a friend, whatmore a gf. the next thing he said, was that he prayed that i'll get myself a good guy one day. amen. and damn! juz like that, he made tears dropped from my eyes. shit. talk bout bein emo, huh?
and why must he be so nice towards me?
guess he's also countin down with me, for the day of my return to my home. 2 more days, home sweet home, he said. he's so happy for me. and he'll pray for me.
u have no idea how grateful i am towards [u]. really. i shall always pray that u have good health okies? if thats the least i could do for u, why not, right? thank u very very much. i'll never forget what u'd done for me. u know, i know okies? for that i am always grateful to u.
dammit. now i cant seem to stop tearin up, thinkin of [u] and her.
but hey.. can i juz say that someday, i wish i could find a man juz like u?
for my most tirin day, with u in it, i wont even feel worn out.
even at my saddest, with u around, i'll be walkin around smilin at everyone and anythin.
in my dreams u suddenly appeared, though i cant remember what happened, i know i'll always wake up with my lips curved up.

no matter. come what may. we'll always be friends, okies?
thats what we started out as.. the only difference is, friendship with me will never have an endin to it.
thank u again.

pintaku yang terakhir

besar kesilapanku, besar lagi kesilapanmu
hampa yang kau rasakan, hampa lagi perasaan ku

juz finished packin my stuff. not gonna leave anythin which belongs to me there. say whatever u want bout that, people. but yeah, i'm totally done with it. and hey, guess what? washed all my shoes today. haha! cant believe it, after few years of not washin any of my shoes, today i'm doin it again. if only everythin else could be washed away juz like that too, huh? if u get what i mean, that is.
hai. lost some weight yet again. damn! juz a week ago i'd been gainin some. sucks man. my sleeplessness is really takin a toll on my health, i guess. well. what can i say? i'm so used to havin someone sleep beside me. why else would i be able to sleep at dydy's? at shamu's? its coz they're sleepin beside me.

kau ingin ku menyalakan diri ini bagai lilin
dan terbakar oleh perbuatanmu

i'm gettin used to it though. fallin asleep at bout 7 or 8am, i mean. and wakin up at 3 or 5pm. its like a routine now. my breakfast would probably be ur early dinner, my lunch ur supper, my dinner.. ur very very late supper. and i've a lot of suppers in between, till i finally feel my eyelids gettin heavy. thats how much i eat. and still. my mass.. sheesh! i've got no words to say. juz finished my dinner. nasi goreng seafood with lots of chilli padi. hehe. i'm so not gonna be guilty for eatin good food. coz i'm leadin my own life again. i realized that all these while i hadnt been doin that [if u know what i mean].

kekasihku cukup engkau buat ku begini
luka ini usah engkau berdarahkan kembali

there were quite a number of jobs for me out there. received them via e-mails. i'm still confused. should i start a full time job? or should i study? i really can study. i know that. before everythin turned topsy turvy.. i'd been a gd student. hah! what a contradiction, huh? but yeah. first things first. had to regain mother's trust in me. pay off whatever bills there is to be paid. and its not little, mind u.
hey u. i've never asked for anythin from u. now. i'm askin for a little favor. juz help me out with singtel. thats all. dont ever make me get reminded of aby. please. for old time's sake. i'm willin to help u out with that, if u could help me out too.

kau cuba menyatakan aku membuat kesilapan
yang tak mungkin kau maafkan lagi
ku tak mungkin kau perlukan lagi... di sisi

hai. everythin's been said and done. thats it then, i guess. ciao.

in my memories u shall always reside

people! i am so freakin bored!!! argh!!! i know i shouldnt bother anymore. but my mind kept wanderin to her. again and again and again. reminiscin happy moments together exactly a year ago. still remembered her meetin me before she booked into camps.. and after camps.. at starbucks east point.. tampines.. eatin sushis.. juz about go anywhere at all without havin to be secretive of the other.. talk bout the old times, huh?
how ironic it is that now, she hardly even wanna see me anymore. what exactly is she doin right now, only God knows, yeah.
anyways. bought a few Godiva chocolates for someone. teehee!!!
but bloody hell, my plan to surprise him backfired!!! not really backfired, but yeah, somethin like that. [he was still surprised, but not the way i'd planned it to be] damn! haha.. hmmm. its ok though. spent the night chillin out with him. that crazy monkey!!! forever full of nonsense. never endin.. mesti ade aje bende yang dia nak buat.. haha!
was supposed to go out together with dydydyla.. but. nevermind, they cant make it, dydy wasnt feelin well. next time, okies?dont know why i'm like excited for dydy to meet that monkey. haha!!!
ok, wanna get some rest now.
byeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

adakah diriku kau tak perlu lagi
adakah cintaku kau tak perlu lagi
adakah dirimu da berubah hati terhadap diriku
adakah insan lain bertata di hatimu
hinggakan dirimu merubah cintamu
manaka janjimu yang kau beri dulu kepada diriku

kiranya diriku kau tak perlu lagi
simpanlah kenangan cinta kita di hati
walaupun sukarku, aku kali ini
biarlah ku pergi

it'll all come to an end soon

hey u. happy valentines day.. how awkward it had been hours ago, juz the two of us sittin on that bench. its like we were strangers, dont u agree? well, thats definitely how i felt. with my bag and ur packed food in between. in other words, a barrier between us. when david wished me happy valentines day, u asked who it was. i felt a spark of hope that maybe.. maybe.. in ur own way, u still care for me too.
but hey.. who am i tryin to kid, yeah? u went on to tellin me bout how miserable u were without havin good finance and all. u hit it right on the spot. u do know my weaknesses well, dont u? shit. this juz sucks dude. i know i shouldnt really entertain all these things anymore, but i cant help it. i have to say that i still love u. very much still. if only i didnt.. would have made things much easier.
my heart almost stopped when u told me that ur comin back home on the 17th and 18th. dammit. i pray to god that its not gonna happen. i simply couldnt look at u. or else. what i'd been wantin to do.. will go down the drain.
astaga! stress!
so. thats bout it. ciao.

enough is enough

hey u.
juz stop it, will u? i've really had enough crap. i knew. bout almost everythin there is to know. did u know that i knew? well, since u've always known whatever there is to know? like a know it all?
juz cut it out, ok?
aren't u tired of all these?
well, let me tell u that i, for one, am very very tried and tired of everythin.
one thing i will never understand is how u could bear to do all these shit. to throw it all in my face. what wrong is it that i'd done to u huh? what could be that great sin i did towards u, that u cant even forgive?
or is it that u juz plain dont give a damn bout me?
please dude. juz cut it out.
i dont wanna think bout it no more.
i dont wanna hurt no more.
i dont wanna think bad bout u no more.
give me a break k?

and there u go again, tellin me sweet stuff.
stuff bout our 1yr anniversary, which is gonna be very soon.
stuff bout wantin to spend valentine's day with me.
tell me why i should let u have a go at it again...?
tell me why i should believe in u...?
after all, i was juz a pawn in ur staged game, right?
well. whatever. whats done is done.

since theres no more u and me..
its time i let u go so i could be free..
and live my life how it should be..
no matter how hard it is, i'll be fine without u!
yes i will!

ola

new blog. new passwords. new life. new everythin. a new beginnin.
cool, huh? after so long. yeah.
know what people? those of u who are readin this, better be grateful ok!!! coz i only chose a few of u to be invited to read my blog ok!!! so yeah. jemput bace semue. hehe

anyways. i'm busy right now. i'll update u guys later aite? byeeeeeeeee!!!